Full Disclosure

I spent the better part of my free time this evening filling out forms, inducing the kind of bored, low-grade rage in me I used to associate with algebra and tanning. I have to fight the urge to write “English, some Pig Latin, Gibberish, and Troll” in answer to the question about what languages we speak at home. Lizzie’s weaknesses? Old married men and jellybeans, but I know I shouldn’t write that.

Anything I’d like the teacher to know? Um, yeah … she’s my daughter’s preschool teacher, so there’s a lot I’d like her to know: her ABC’s, some biographical information about each of the Disney Princesses, how to do a cartwheel, a couple of Beyonce songs, some kick-ass dance moves, how to stop a bleeder on the playground without Kleenex or towels, a few constellations, some conversational French and Italian, basic street fighting, advanced wilderness survival, Photoshop, three or four circus tricks, and how to deliver a sincere apology, for starters.

Lizzie’s weaknesses? Old married men and jellybeans, but I know I shouldn’t write that.

Any questions I have for my child’s teacher? Yes: why can’t I ever do my hair the way Matt does, no matter how many lessons he gives me in the salon? Why won’t everyone leave Britney Spears alone? Isn’t she in enough pain watching how adorable Justin Timberlake turned out? When are the Democrats and Republicans going to stop acting like assholes and start solving problems? Why aren’t men better about staying in touch with their friends? Why did they have to cancel Freaks & Geeks? Can’t we just get rid of margarine altogether? Why won’t Liam Neeson write me back? When are women going to stop feeling bad about their bodies? When are men going to start feeling bad about their bodies? Why do people think Jesus and God give a shit about their kids’ soccer playoffs? Don’t we all want those guys focusing on poverty or the AIDS epidemic? Should we move to Edina or Minnetonka? How many candles is too many?

Immunizations are a quicker answer: Lizzie is immune to Measles/Mumps/Rubella, Diptheria, Tetanus, Hepatitis, the Flu, and Reason.

Obviously, I didn’t write any of this on the forms. That’s what conferences are for.